How It Feels
by chocolate-colombo
Summary: Carlos would lay in bed and wish that the jokes would stop. For anti bullying day March 3rd


**Okay, here's my anti bullying one shot. I know I've said this before in chapters in my other stories, but this time it's for real: LONGEST CHAPTER I EVER WRITTEN...yeah**

**Enjoy!  
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><p>Carlos slowly walked into apartment 2J. His face was red and puffy, tears clouded his vision, bruises littered his torso. He headed straight to his room and pulled out the notes stuffed in his backpack.<p>

He cried harder as he reread the abusive words.

_Looks like Carlos had one too many corndogs._

_Disgusting._

_Look out below! It's the fat Mexican hippo!_

_If only his brain was as big as he is._

Carlos threw the notes in the trash, laid on his bed, and cried. He had completed his fourth week of the taunting. He was the fat senior. Slob. Fat Alberto.

No matter how hard he tried to ignore everything _**forget**_ everything, his brain sadistically replayed everything. He just wanted the fat jokes to stop.

James, Kendall, and Logan walked into the apartment, a little worried of Carlos' quick escape from school. "Hey Carlos!" James yelled as he walked into their shared room. "Whoa, hey buddy. Are you okay?" James asked after seeing Carlos' face.

Carlos nodded, ashamed to tell the truth. "Yeah, j-just a little tired."

"Oh, well the guys and I are about to get something to eat. Wanna come?" James knew something was up, but he knew forcing the truth out of Carlos wouldn't be helping.

Carlos almost said yes. He knew where the boys were wanting to go. Bush's Buffet. It could be classified as the greasiest restaurant in LA. Carlos could picture himself eating there, then regretting it later. He didn't want to be fat anymore. He wanted to be skinny like Kendall. He shook his head. "No, thanks. You guys go without me." He curled up more on the bed.

James, a bit confused, replied with an "okay" before grabbing Logan.

Logan rushed in, thinking Carlos was sick. "Carlos. Are you sure you're okay?" He felt Carlos' forehead. "Well you are a little warm..." he trailed off.

Carlos moved away from the contact. "I'm fine. I'm just tired. I wanna sleep." Logan and James looked at each other with worried glances. "Just go guys. I'm okay," Carlos reemphasized when he noticed that the two boys weren't planning on leaving right away. James and Logan slowly walked out, trying not to aggravate the short Latino anymore than they already had.

And that's how it always happened. Carlos would get made fun of at school, he'd rush home and crawl into bed, avoiding his friends in the process. His friends were perfect. Kendall and Logan were skinny. James had an amazing muscle build. They never were made fun of for their weight. They wouldn't understand how Carlos felt or what he was going through.

It was only a matter of time before Carlos broke.

And it started now. That dreaded Monday. Carlos went to the lobby's vending machine, hoping he'd find a little comfort and enjoyment from eating a bag of his beloved Fruit Smackers. He was about to stick a quarter in when he heard someone whispering.

"They don't make enough Fruit Smackers for that pig."

Carlos felt his eyes watering up again. He ran to the elevator. hoping that maybe if he was fast enough, he could make it to 2J and no one would even notice he was here. His plan was foiled, of course, when he ran into Luke Emerson.

"Back for round dos," Luke taunted. "Wasn't the first beating bad enough?" He laughed, seeing the scared look on Carlos' face. "Don't tell me you were at the vending machines again today."

Carlos swallowed the lump in his throat. "I-I was just walking around and-"

"Without your friends," Luke interrupted. He looked around, seeing that the other Big Time Rush boys weren't around. "Where are they?" Carlos was silent for a while, debating whether the question was a rhetorical one or not. "Where?"

Carlos jumped at the aggressiveness of Luke's voice. "Uh, J-James is at th-the pool," Carlos looked down. "Logan's with C-Camille...and K-Kendall's with his new g-girlfriend."

"In other words: they're all avoiding you," Luke concluded. "You know why?" He leaned in closer to Carlos. "Cuz no one wants to be seen with a short, fat, idiotic, filthy excuse for a human being."

"That's not true!" Carlos yelled while wiping the tears falling from his face. "They love me! They're just busy!"

"So tell me. If they love you so much, why aren't they here, huh? Seeing the bruises on you woulda set off some alarm in their heads, right?" Carlos remained silent. Luke snorted. "They didn't even notice the bruises! Some friends."

Carlos pushed past Luke and made his way to 2J. "They love. I know they do," he kept saying to himself.

_Love you? If you disappeared, they'd be fine._

Carlos stopped moving after hearing that sinister voice in his head.

_They'd have one less thing to worry about._

_Big Time Rush would THRIVE without your existence._

Carlos ran to the bathroom. He looked at his unhappy self in the mirror. He lifted up his shirt. Of course there were the bruises from Luke's recent beating. Then there was the imaginary fat that tortured him. but that's not what he focused on. He noticed the scars progressing their way across his stomach.

He didn't want to be a cutter. But he did, all because of those stupid fat jokes. He started on his arm, and once he realized how addicted he was to it, he moved on to his stomach. Logan would notice the cuts on his arm eventually, so he deemed the stomach being the easiest place to hide his scars. He went into the medicine cabinet and pulled out his trusty razor and began cutting.

_You disgusting weakling!_

Carlos was confused. He knew this was wrong. He knew that his friends cared about him...but at the same time, he had his doubts. He was afraid his friends had grown tired of him...or worse. His friends were too ashamed to be seen around him. That had to be it. Carlos cried as that realization hit him. His friends were ashamed of him. They couldn't be seen with him.

Once he was finished with his razor, he cleaned up his three new cuts and the razor, and ran to his room. "I can't believe I did that again!" Carlos said to himself angrily.

James was the first to return to the apartment twenty minutes later. He walked into the room he shared with Carlos, hoping to find his wallet. Instead, he found Carlos laying in bed asleep. This worried him, of course. He thought Carlos was really sick. The way he always slept now. The fact that he never had energy to do anything now. How Carlos was eating less and less, if anything, these past few days. He grabbed his wallet and walked over to Carlos' sleeping form. James put his hand on Carlos' forehead.

James released a breath when we found out Carlos didn't have a fever. He glanced at his wallet, remembering why he came to get it in the first place.

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><p>Logan could officially say something was wrong. When James picked up food for the boys two days ago, Carlos barely touched it. Instead his food was rearranged and cut up into little pieces. It was impossible for Carlos to lose his appetite unless something was REALLY wrong.<p>

"Kendall?" Logan addressed the blonde sitting next to him on the orange couch. "Have you...noticed anything about Carlos?"

Kendall shrugged. "For the past two or three days he's been spending all his time at the gym or the park... Isn't that a good thing? I mean, a couple of days ago he barely got out of bed. He's probably making use of all the energy he hasn't been able to use."

"But has he been eating?" Logan asked, sparking a thought in Kendall.

Kendall shook off that thought. No way Carlos was purposely not eating. "I'm sure he'll be fine, Logan."

Logan still had his doubts. But Kendall was never wrong, and Logan prayed that Kendall stayed true to his reputation. Before he could say anything, the front door opened. "Hey, Carlos," Logan greeted.

Carlos waved. His body covered in sweat. "Where've you been, buddy?" Kendall asked after seeing the way Carlos looked.

"Hmm nowhere really. I got bored and went to the gym."

"Wow, you're probably hungry," Logan said, trying to either prove Kendall wrong, or give further reason to believe Kendall.

Carlos shook his head. "Nah. Grabbed a snack. I'm just gonna take a shower and head to bed."

Logan gave Kendall a look that said, "still believe he's okay?"

Kendall shrugged, a worried expression still on his face. If something was wrong, they needed to fix it, before something bad happened.

Two days later, Luke saw Carlos coming around the corner. He smiled he ran over to Kendall, who sat at the lobby, listening to music. "Hey, Kendall," he called out.

Kendall took off his headphones and replied to Luke's greeting. "What's up?" Before they knew it, they both began a casual conversation.

Carlos watched the friendly exchange between the two. He couldn't believe it. Kendall was making friends with the one person who made Carlos' life miserable. The one who started the fat jokes, the border hopping jokes, the short jokes. He walked slowly, trying to be earshot of their conversation.

_They're talking about you. Everybody is._

When Luke pulled out his phone, Carlos lost it. Carlos heard Kendall say, "what a loser."

Carlos ran to 2J. He couldn't stand it anymore. The jokes, the taunts, his so called friends. They didn't care about him. He could see it now. Kendall would befriend Luke, then Kendall would turn into the bully. Everyone listened to Kendall, so it wouldn't be long before Logan and James joined Kendall with the torture.

He couldn't take it anymore. He grabbed a knife from the kitchen cabinet. He rolled up the sleeve of his sweater and pressed the knife to the exposed skin. As if that wasn't enough, he dragged the knife across his arm, creating a large cut reaching from his wrist to the crook of his elbow. He watched as the blood fell to the floor.

_The only thing they'll care about is how to clean this stupid blood off the floor._

Carlos cried. "I know. I know!" He grew angry. "Why couldn't you just leave me alone? Why couldn't everybody just leave me alone?"

Realization hit Carlos: he was feeling light headed. Too light headed. He looked to the pool of blood on the ground and saw the size had greatly increased. "Oh no," he breathed out. He cut too deep. He tried going to the bathroom to find some gauze but his legs wouldn't let him.

_They don't need you. Die! Just die!_

The front door opened, and Carlos heard a gasp. Kendall, James, and Logan ran over to his side. Kendall caught Carlos as he fell, surprised at how light Carlos felt. "Carlos!" He turned to James and Logan. "Someone call 911!" Kendall ripped off his outer flannel shirt and held it to Carlos' arm. He noticed that Carlos was too pale.

Logan got on his knees as James called an ambulance. He rested Carlos' head on his lap. "Why'd you do this Carlos?" Logan asked. he needed to know.

Carlos was too tired to talk, but he needed to answer Logan. "I-I didn't think y-you cared..." he began closing his eyes.

James was with them now, and he heard what Carlos said. "Don't leave us Carlos! We love you. We need you!"

Kendall and Logan joined in James begging for Carlos to stay awake...and alive for that matter. As Carlos' eyes fluttered closed, he realized something: He made a mistake. His friends cared about him.

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><p>"Carlos Garcia?"<p>

The crying boys stood up at the sound of their best friend's name. "How is he?" Logan asked, anxious to hear news.

"Have a seat, boys," the doctor commanded. The boys couldn't argue with him, seeing as how they were still in shock, so they obeyed and sat down. The doctor sighed. "I'm Dr. Horton. He's stable...but I'm afraid I have bad news."

"If he's stable, why would you have bad news?" James asked. Dr. Horton looked into James' innocent eyes and knew that getting the rest of the story would be difficult.

"I'm sorry to say this boys, but it seems your friend not only has an eating disorder, but he's cut himself many times before." He saw the shocked faces of the boys. "Yeah, I figured you didn't know about those two." They shook their heads and he continued. "Carlos had multiple cuts on his arms and abdomen. They were definitely self inflicted. Also, Carlos seems a little skinny than he should, and he shows the signs of having an eating disorder."

"We may be horrible people," Logan mumbled. "Can we see him? Please?"

The doctor nodded. "Right this way." He lead them to room 242, and they ran in to the room.

They walked in to the sight of Carlos waking up.

"H-hey Carlos," Kendall said, trying his best not to let his inner feelings show.

Carlos avoided their gaze, too ashamed off himself. His friends thought he was mad at them, of course. "We're so sorry, Carlos!" Logan cried out, his voice almost sounded pleading. "Please forgive us."

"I-I didn't know you guys cared." Carlos started crying.

"Why would you think that?" James asked, slightly offended. "We're your best friends." He moved closer to Carlos.

Carlos cried harder. "Just forget it," he begged between sobs.

Logan, the usually calm one, refused to take no for an answer. "No Carlos!" Everyone jumped at the tone of his voice. "You've been hiding stuff from us for how long and look where you are now! Tell us what's wrong!"

Carlos wiped the tears from his eyes as they fell. "You guys wouldn't understand."

"Then help us understand," Kendall replied. His voice was very soothing to Carlos.

Carlos nodded. "O-okay." Once his sniffling subsided, he began his story. "Four weeks ago, Luke and his friends started making fun of me. I-it didn't bother me at first...then...I don't know what happened. One day, he started making his fat Mexican jokes and I just snapped, I guess." Carlos paused. Logan rubbed circles on Carlos' back. "I used my razor and cut myself four times." He pointed to where the scars were supposed to be, but they were covered up by the hospital gauze for his new scar. "The insults got worse when I saw less and less of you guys, Luke and his fiends said it was because you guys were too good for me, and you were ashamed to be around me." Carlos started crying again. "He kept saying that over and over and I couldn't take it anymore. I stopped eating and started working out so I could look like you guys and you guys would love me again."

Logan, Kendall, and James felt a ton of guilt. "Wh-what happened today?" Kendall choked out his question.

"Today," Carlos sighed, "I saw you and Luke talking. I couldn't stop thinking that you were becoming friends with him. And you'd make fun of me too. Then Logan and James would join you and..." he trailed off. "I couldn't live with that. At first, when I cut myself, I wasn't thinking suicide. But then when I realized how much I was bleeding, I thought maybe if I died, it would be a good thing."

"D-did Luke ever hit you buddy?" James asked. When Carlos nodded, James felt rage build inside of him.

Carlos turned to Kendall. "I heard you call someone a loser, so I thought you were talking about me." He looked down, not wanting to see Kendall's face.

Kendall gasped. "No. Carlos, buddy, I would never call you a loser. I was talking about Luke's cast member, Allen, I swear."

Carlos nodded. "I-I know you weren't talking about me. My mind wouldn't let me believe it though."

"You know we'd love you matter what," Logan reassured.

James grabbed Carlos into a hug. "I'm so sorry we neglected you like that. We shoulda known something was wrong and done something about it."

Kendall and Logan joined into the hug. "Will you forgive us?" Logan begged.

Carlos shook his head, and his friends gasped. Then he spoke. "Only if you guys promise to forgive me for all of this."

Kendall smiled. "Of course we do buddy. But promise that next time, something like this happens, you'll let us know, okay?"

Carlos nodded as he snuggled further into the bed. "Okay." He closed his eyes, ready to fall asleep. "I love you guys."

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><p><strong>Haha too much cheese. Too much cheese. But hey, who doesn't like the occasional use of cheese?<strong>


End file.
